planning for a good death

““It is not length of life, but depth of life.”
— Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Death is not the opposite of life, but a part of it.”
— Haruki Murakami

“Planning for the end of life is not about predicting the future. It is about making your wishes known

while they are yours to express.”
— Final Exodus

WHY PLAN?

Only a few generations ago people died quickly, usually from pneumonia or some other malady that doctors then didn’t know how to treat. Medical advances over the past fifty years, have allowed many of us to live longer.
Most professionals in our medical system feel a duty to keep us alive every way possible, for as long as possible.
We need to decide now, what our wishes to direct those who will care for us in our last days.
It is helpful to identify anyone in our family or loved ones who aren't in agreement with our decisions about how we wish our lives to end.

WHAT PLANNING ISN’T

“Before exploring end-of-life planning, it can be helpful to clarify what planning does—and does not—mean.”

Planning is NOT:

Preparing an advance directive as incidental to creating an estate plan with an attorney.
Completing an advance directive in your doctor’s office or signing one upon entering a hospital for surgery.
Quickly creating a direcitve because you are in a hurry; Planning takes time and a lot of careful thought.

WHAT PLANNING IS

Meaningful end-of-life planning takes time, thoughtful consideration, and good information. The more you understand, the better equipped you are to make choices that reflect your wishes and values.

There is no need to complete everything at once. Planning may unfold over days or weeks.

The following steps can help guide you through the process:

Step 1. GATHER INFORMATION

Start the process by reading some of the materials mentioned in the Resources section. This step could take you hours or perhaps days or weeks. Easy reading might be one of these books, Being Mortal, or That Good Night. Another option is the classic in the right-to-die movement, Final Exit; it is more technical and educational, but still an easy read.

If you choose, read this entire website first, then look at the resources that interest you. If you’re stuck, the Go Wish Cards are a good way to start; order the cards or find the online version.

As you gather information, give some thought as to what your last wishes might be. What you want to tell your family and write in your advance directive.

Step 2. HAVE CONVERSATIONS

Who can you talk to?

Your mate or children if you if you have you have them.
Other relatives: sisters, or brothers.
Close friends. You need not limit your discussions to family members.
Your best input might come from a conversation with a longtime friend.

What to talk about? Anything related to the end of one’s life. What interested you when you were thinking and researching?

If you can’t get started, or want to broaden your horizon, here are some specific resources.

Go Wish Cards, mentioned before. Each card can be source of a conversation.

Why did you put the card in this pile and not that one?

The Conversation Project
The Caring Conversations Workbook

Having these conversations helps you to:

Give careful thought to what you want.
Allow your family and others feel they are involved.
You to name your Health Care Agent; your proxy.

Finalize your end of life wishes.

Step 3. PAUSE AND RETHINK

Think about what you have learned from your research and conversations. At some point you need to write your advance directive (or if you already have one, revisit it); Creating one is covered in the next section.

ENCOURAGE OTHERS TO THINK ABOUT, AND CREATE THEIR ADVANCE DIRECTIVE.

Do you know others who could benefit by having end-of-life planning in place? Perhaps parents, aunts and uncles, friends, or friends’ parents?

If so, then start a conversation with them. It can feel awkward. but it is a loving thing to do, and worth having the conversation:

Most people feel a tremendous sense of relief knowing that their wishes have been written down. When a persons wishes are known, they are more likely to be honored.